The Promise of Love Page 12

  I crawled out of bed and started to get ready. I dressed quickly, knowing that I had to get going. I had a lot to accomplish that day to get myself ready to be married the next day. I had all kinds of nervous butterflies in my stomach, and it made me a little uneasy.

  I hadn’t heard from Ben again after the AIDS benefit. That was typical though. It continued to baffle me more and more how he was able to just come and go. I had no idea what he wanted from me. If it wasn’t love, then what continued to pull him to me all the time? In Paris, he just wanted things to be casual, which was something he could have with anyone, so why did he keep coming back to me? It wasn’t fair to me. I felt lost with him, and the fact that he continued to leave without answering left me confused. Technically I was the one that had walked out on him the last time in the bathroom, but it wouldn’t have been hard for him to come and find me and explain himself. But just like after Paris, I never heard back from him.

  So what did it all mean? Had he been coming back for me once and for all, or was he still hoping for a casual arrangement with me? It was something that plagued my mind. I would have loved to have had some closure from him before I married Matt, but sometimes you just never got what you wanted in life. I would be marrying the man I loved tomorrow whether I got closure or not. I just wished I had some idea about what was going through his mind and why he sought me out. He had told me that I was with the wrong guy, which implied that he wanted me to be with him. But did he really, or was I just some prize that he was trying to win? Ben could be very territorial at times, and knowing that I was marrying another man could be all it took for him to start sniffing around me again.

  I had no evidence that Ben felt anything but lust for me, and that was why I chose to go ahead with my wedding despite what happened at the AIDS benefit. I would need to tell Ben at some point that he could not come around any longer. He was just causing trouble, and I didn’t want anything to get in the way of my future marriage or happiness with Matt. Whether I liked it or not, I would need to remove Ben from my life forever.

  After a long day of rushing around like a chicken with my head cut off, I was back at my apartment trying to wind down from all the excitement. All the last-minute details were organized, and now all I wanted to do was relax. I was thoroughly exhausted. I probably should have had the bridesmaids handle the last-minute arrangements, but I was a bit of a perfectionist when it came to these things, so I handled it all on my own. All I wanted now was a peaceful night at home with a bottle of wine. Tomorrow I would be marrying the man I loved and starting our future together.

  I had to say no to my bridal party’s idea of taking me out for the night. I wasn’t into all of the bachelorette party hooplas. I didn’t want to be out all night, nor did I want to wake up on my wedding day tired and hungover—it just wasn’t worth it to me. They had offered to just take me out for dinner, but I wasn’t in the mood for it. I just wanted to spend some time with myself and reflect on the future. Having a couple of glasses of wine would be the perfect relaxation to get me ready for my big day.

  I wouldn’t have much more time in the apartment anyway—in a few weeks I would officially be moving in with Matt. I would miss my place after having been there for many years, but once the honeymoon was over, I would be living with my husband. I just wanted to enjoy some time alone in my apartment before I had to say goodbye to all the memories I had accumulated there.

  I opened the bottle and poured some wine into a glass. Taking a sip from it, I wondered if we had rushed into getting married. Matt had wanted to do it right away, even suggesting to me that we elope immediately. I wasn’t into the idea—it is my first wedding and all, I wanted to have all my friends and family in attendance. I knew my father would have been quite upset had I gone off and eloped. The only thing I could suggest to Matt was that we plan a wedding that could happen right away. We were only engaged for a few months before I started to plan a wedding that would happen in another month’s time. Now that I was thinking about it, I wondered why Matt had been so anxious to tie the knot. Had he been afraid of losing me even back then? I couldn’t imagine it. He hadn’t even known about Ben at that point.

  So, in the end, I had agreed to a quickie wedding and hired a wedding planner to get the job done. We sent out the wedding invitations immediately, and they started coming back just as quickly. My parents had accepted Matt immediately because they saw the things in him that I had seen when I met him. They believed in his character and thought I had made a wonderful choice in a partner. At the time it hadn’t seemed rushed, but now I wasn’t so sure that it had been the best course of action. It wasn’t that I didn’t love Matt—because I did, wholeheartedly—but my recent encounter with Ben had made me question a lot of things. Why did I still react to him that way? That was what worried me the most. I didn’t like the fact that another man could make me react with such intensity that I was powerless in his arms. That should be the kind of reaction I got from my husband, shouldn’t it?

  I sat on my couch sipping wine and thinking about the wonderful future that Matt and I could have. I just needed to focus on that, and everything would work out just the way it was supposed to. The wedding would be flawless, and I had very little I needed to worry about on the day because it was all in the hands of the wedding planner. After the wedding, we would be flying off to Spain for our honeymoon. I had never been to Spain before, and I couldn’t be more excited about our little adventure there. It was so exciting that I could barely stand to wait. It would be a great start to us creating our own memories for our future. I was making the right decision, I just knew it.

  I looked up in surprise when there was a knock on the door. I had no idea who would show up the night before my wedding, unannounced. I had made it clear to Matt that he was not to come and see me before the wedding, so I knew that it wasn’t him. Puzzled, I got up from the couch and headed for the door. I swung it open and wished that I had ignored it altogether. My mouth hit the floor, and I couldn’t believe my luck.

  “You have to be kidding me. What the hell are you doing here?”

  Ben stood at the door, looking rather sheepish for a change. Not that it mattered—just the sight of him angered me in more ways than one. I debated slamming the door in his face but decided against it. What was he thinking coming here? What if Matt had been here? I wondered if he knew it was the night before my wedding, because his timing was truly epic.

  “Can we talk?”

  “Ugh! Why the hell not, right, Ben? You must be kidding me here. I can’t believe the absolute nerve of you.” I stomped back into my apartment, leaving him standing at the door. I plopped down on the couch and drank half of the glass of wine that I had poured earlier.

  He stepped inside and I realized I was shaking all over. I couldn’t remember a time when I was angrier. The fact that he had shown up at my place like that drove me insane. The thing that made me the angriest, however, was the fact that I realized as soon as I saw him on the other side of the door that I was in love with him. He continued to stand there, not saying a thing, and it was starting to nag at me.

  “I suggest you start talking before I kick you out.”

  He sighed deeply, looking sadder than ever. I had never seen him in such a state. Usually he was overly confident around me.

  “I love you, Katie. I always have. I’ve just been so stupid.”

  For a moment, I thought I might throw up. I couldn’t believe what was happening right before my eyes on the eve of my wedding day. It was preposterous.

  “Don’t you dare say that to me now. How could you?”

  “I’m sorry, baby. I really am. I’m a mess and this is all my fault. But it’s true—I think I’ve loved you since the moment I met you.”

  “Oh my god. Do you realize this is the night before my wedding day? How could you be so selfish? Why are you doing this to me?”

  “I’m not trying to hurt you. I’m just trying not to lose the best thing that has ever happened to me. I’ve be
en fighting my feelings for so long as I tried to navigate my life and the company. I’m an idiot and I know that. I almost lost my mind when I saw your wedding announcement. You can’t marry this guy, Katie.”

  Tears sprang up in my eyes. “Stop this.”

  “I know I’m a complete shit for doing this, but don’t go through with something that’s a mistake. You don’t have to. Be with me. I will take care of you. I tried to let you go, but I can’t do it any longer. I need you, Katie.”

  My heart was beating out of my chest, and I was so angry that I thought I would tear the room apart. How could he do this to me? I had tried to be with him so many times, and he had failed me over and over again. How could he ask this of me now?

  I screamed at him, my face burning. “Why couldn’t you have come back months ago? Why didn’t you come to me after the AIDS benefit? Honestly, Ben, what the hell is wrong with you?”

  He shrugged, at a loss for words himself. “Don’t marry him,” he whispered.

  “Why not? He loves me and I love him too. He wanted to take care of me when you were too busy being ‘casual’ with me. You didn’t want the whole package with me—you just wanted fun. Now that I’m about to be married, you want to come back? Why? So that you can leave again when you grow bored?”

  “I could never grow bored of you. We have a real connection, Katie—you know that.”

  “And yet it wasn’t strong enough for you to stay with me.”

  “You can’t marry him. It wouldn’t be fair to him. You can’t deny that you love me too, maybe more than him. How could you marry another man when you have such strong feelings for me?”

  “You don’t know the first thing about being fair, Ben.” I was shaking my head, completely disgusted with him. We stood there in front of each another, just staring the other down. Ben stood there calmly while my heart was thrashing around in my rib cage. I tried to control my emotions, but it wasn’t easy. He was right, I did love him, but he was not a stable partner at all. I would always worry that he would leave me, and I didn’t need that kind of person in my life.

  Tears streamed down my face. “How could you do this, Ben?”

  He shook his head slowly. “I have no explanation, no good one anyway. I’m sorry I fucked up. There’s nothing else I can say. But it will never happen again, I promise you. I should never have let you walk out of my life in Paris—it was the worst mistake of my life. I thought I had the time to figure things out, you know? I would never have thought you would be engaged a few months after Paris. Has it not occurred to you that you may have rushed into it? Maybe that’s my fault as well.”

  I felt angry all over again. I was furious that he was questioning my decision even though I had wondered about it myself. I just didn’t want him to have the satisfaction of knowing that.

  “I don’t think we’re rushing things at all. Matt is a great guy. He knows how to treat a woman properly.”

  “No, he rushed this in order to trap you. There’s no other reason why he would get married within a few months of meeting you. He just doesn’t want you to change your mind, and you will. I guarantee it. You guys don’t have what we do.”

  “How do you know?”

  “I know. I know because of how you kiss me.”

  “Stop it. He’s not trapping me.”

  “You guys have only been engaged a few months. How well do you even know him?”

  “That doesn’t matter. We fell in love, and that won’t change.”

  He narrowed his gaze at me, and I knew that I had hurt him. I could tell he wanted to say more but was worried he might go too far and push me away. I knew that the thought of me being in love with someone else probably made him crazy. I wasn’t sure how I would feel if I found out that Ben was marrying someone else, but I doubted that I would feel warm and fuzzy about it.

  “Tell me that you don’t love me,” he said.

  “I need you to leave. This is too much for me. It doesn’t matter how I feel about you. I told another man that I would marry him, and I won’t go back on that promise. Not for someone who has left me so many times.”

  “Choose me instead—marry me instead, Katie. I love you and I need you to change your mind.”

  I swallowed hard as I stared at him. My mind was doing flip-flops, and my heart was trying to rip itself out of my chest and reach for him. I wanted him, I knew that much, but I also knew I couldn’t trust him, and that was a pretty big deal to me. There was a large part of me that wanted to run off with him, but I couldn’t allow myself to be that foolish. I didn’t want to give up everything only to have him change his mind on me again. I would not survive being left again—I needed to protect my heart.

  “Ben, I chose you already, a few times actually. I was going to tell Matt that things were over between us after Paris, and look what you pulled. Then again at the AIDS benefit, I never heard from you again after that. You said you weren’t ready for me, and I don’t know that you ever will be. Matt wants me now.”

  “So you’re going to marry another man when you are in love with me?” he yelled, causing me to flinch.

  “I love him.”

  “So how are you going to love him with all your heart when part of it is with me?”

  Tears filled my eyes again. “That will go away eventually.”

  “I doubt that very much. I can feel the chemistry right now between us—you can’t deny it, Katie.”

  “I don’t care. It’s too late. You waited too long.”

  “Please, Katie, don’t do this.”

  “We could have been something great, Ben, and I did try to be with you. But I won’t hurt Matt when I can’t trust you to stay.”

  “You belong with me.”

  My mind began to fog up again, and my heart was in so much pain over him. I was torn, but I knew I couldn’t allow my heart to make my decisions any longer. I had tried that already, and it didn’t work. I needed to get him out of my apartment—I couldn’t have this conversation any longer. If Matt decided to come and surprise me anyway, everything would go up in a cloud of smoke once he saw Ben there. I couldn’t risk it. Maybe that’s what Ben was hoping for all along.

  “I need you to go now, Ben. I can’t do this anymore.”

  “Katie, please.” He was begging now, and it broke my heart.

  I took a deep breath, willing myself to stay strong. “I’m marrying Matt tomorrow. I’ve made my decision, and you need to respect that. It’s time for you to go.”

  Ben turned from me without another word and walked out the door. He didn’t slam it, but instead, he closed it silently. I went to the door and locked it behind him. I pressed my forehead against the cool wood and prayed that I was making the right decision.

  “Goodbye, Ben,” I whispered.

  15

  Chapter Fifteen

  Katie

  * * *

  Ben and I returned from a walk in the park with smiles on our faces. The day had been bright and magical, and I couldn’t remember the last time I had felt so happy. There was just something about being around him that completed me in a way that nothing else could.

  As soon as we walked into the apartment, Ben whisked me into his arms and kissed me deeply. All I could think about throughout my day was how badly I wanted to be in Ben’s arms, and it always came true. We were going to be married shortly, and I couldn’t wait to be Mrs. Ben Donovan. It would be the best day of my life, and it couldn’t come fast enough. Being his wife felt like something I had been dreaming about for so long, and it was about to come true.

  We kissed from the time we left his car all the way up the stairs and into my apartment. I had fumbled with the lock on my door as he kissed my neck. All I wanted to do was tear off all his clothes every time he kissed me. He was driving me half-mad with his mouth, and a simple act of unlocking a door became almost impossible.

  Once the door was unlocked, we pushed our way through, and I turned to him, grabbing his face in my hands and kissing his lips passionately. I bit h
is lower lip, causing him to growl my name.

  “Katie, I am going to fuck you so good you are going to pass out.”

  I moaned and then stopped to stare at him. “I love when you say my name.”

  “Yes, baby. It’s beautiful and I like how it sounds coming out of my mouth as well.”

  He picked me up in his arms and carried me to the bedroom. He laid me out on the bed and climbed on top of me. His mouth connected with mine once again and brought a searing heat with it.

  Suddenly I pulled away and looked him in the eyes, my brow furrowed. “Why do you like me?”

  “Katie, are you joking? Are we going to do this right now? You know I absolutely adore you for a million reasons.”

  “If you want in my pants, you bet your ass we are doing it right now.”

  He smiled down at me, and I almost forgot the whole thing. “It’s because you’re so much more than just tits and a pussy.”

  “Oh, gee, thanks.”

  He laughed. “No, really. You have a brain and you use it. You’re clearly passionate about your career, and you’re good at it, might I add. You’re dedicated and hardworking. You’re different from a lot of girls out there these days who just want a man to take them shopping all the time. You’re actually pretty amazing.”

  “Great answer.”

  “You know I love you.”

  “Yes, and I love you too.”

  His mouth found mine again, and our tongues intermingled. I sucked on his slowly, getting more turned on by the minute. He started undressing and I did the same, watching him lose each article of clothing. God, he was beautiful, and I could finally admire him fully.